DAY 43. I cannot believe that I made it this far. I must admit, it's not easy. It's not even easy writing about it today. It's still hard seeing someone smoke, I still love the smell of it, well, sometimes. It's like having a hidden breakdown with continous reminders to self "NO". Funny, sometimes I reach for it when J lights up, hoping that he'll just give it to me without any questions, but it's always unsuccessful. There was a time, though, when he handed it to me unconciously after several reach attempts, I immediately threw it as soon as I felt the foam touch my fingers. He clapped his hands but more concern in saving it as it falls to the ground. I couldn't believe how long the smell of it stayed in my fingers despite of minimal exposure. I didn't wash my hands, for some reason, I was content with the stinky cigg smell minus the puff. Lately, I am facing stressful situations at work/life and lots of weird thoughts running through my head and often thought of reaching for that ciggarette with the reasoning that it will miraculously solve all life's problems. Sure! So, let me breathe deeply, and breath some more, as I tackle my new life without ciggarettes.